I can't do it

Again up most of the night. Fear has become my life now.there is no escaping the pain that's coming my way no running no hiding no fighting or I die. So my only option is to take it. I stay for the loves of my life. They are my reason to keep going and the reason to stay around. But I cannot do it again no more. I ve come to the conclusion that I have to stop my periods. Merena is one thing, but I'm not lucky enough to have that work alone. I have to be barren to save any future soul from...my life. The way I see it if I get down to 100 maybe 9albs it should do the trick. Wish me luck